By Lewis Hooper
During the later months of 2018, I became fixated on losing weight. My main focus at the time was excessively checking food package labels, and looking for food which had zero, or very little saturated fats as the main source of food. Then mixed with excessive walking and morning exercise.
At this time, I was also working a full time 9-5 office job in a contact centre. I would wake up at 5am, to run around the house, and pace up and down like a caged animal in a zoo. I would make sure that I achieved 8500 steps before getting ready for work and then allowing myself to have a 40 calorie yoghurt before leaving the house. After leaving the house, I would then get off of the bus 2 or 3 stops before I needed, to get some extra walking time in before starting work. Friends, family and co-workers started to comment on how ‘thin’ I was looking and trying to give me food to eat, which I would then later throw or give away. This went on for around 5 or 6 months, before going to see my GP after my partner and family kept ‘nagging’ me to go. Which at the time I thought that I was fine, and everyone else had a problem.
I remember my GP prescribing me ‘High calorie shakes’ in order for me to try and gain weight, but I wouldn’t take them. In-fact finding out now that I was DAYS from being admitted to hospital for having severe anorexia and only weighing 6 stone 4.
As time went by, and with the help of my local eating disorder clinic ‘STEPS’ I manage to get the help and therapy that I needed. While being on the waiting list for over 14 months for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) COVID-19 came and soon after the first lockdown which I found very hard, as I was in the restoration phase through my own hard work and family support, and really needed the medical experience to go forward.
In August 2020, I had the opportunity to move to South Korea a country that I had never been to before, which led me to feel both excited and nervous but I went with it. December 2020 came, and I had my first CBT appointment! It was really good to start the much-awaited therapy and really take a look at what had led me to lose so much weight, as well as my behaviour and habits around food and exercise.
While doing therapy, I had found an Entertainment agency in South Korea, which led me to start working in the modelling and acting route. Something that I had thought about many years ago, but never pursued due to the ‘perceived body image’ that was connected with the industry. But this time, I felt confident and went with it. Later actually realizing that the industry doesn’t want ‘anorexic, size zero’ models, but actually those who look ‘healthy’. Having worked in the industry and been connected with some big campaigns and clients, it has led me to re-live some of the ‘anorexic’ thoughts, but also to realize that I need to learn to be happy and confident with who I am, and how I look and accepting that everyone’s body shape, appearance is unique to that individual person. I think that this is especially helpful to men, as its a very taboo subject (men with eating disorders), and I hope that it can inspire and help both men and women who are struggling.
Now I have come to the end of my CBT appointments, and have started to find ways to self-monitor, and continue a successful career.
Deanne comments on this
Thank you to Lewis for sharing his recovery journey. The desire to eat fat -free food is not rational, the human body needs dietary fat for all kinds of life processes; the immune system and for helping brain cells to work properly. The brain is a fatty organ and needs fat especially Omega 3 fats that you find in salmon and other oily fish. Vegan sources of Omega 3 fats are much less bio-available.
But anorexia is not a rational illness and is not really a desire to be thin, it is more like a desire to disappear and underneath the surface compulsions to starve and count steps are deeper feelings of self loathing and inadequacy. The anorexic purpose of exercise and calorie counting have taken over other purposes for living a healthy life. It gives you meaning – why would you ever want to give it up? Possibly because the person does not think they deserve anything better.
More men than we realise descend into the anorexic life. Lewis needs to work out what was missing that allowed the illness to creep in. This needs to be done alongside CBT which works only partially when the brain is starving.
Anorexia is for many years a whisper away. I hope that Lewis will notice when and if anorexic thinking creeps in, which can happen at times of stress. The illness finds every excuse possible for itself. I wish him well.